ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
A bold strategy
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
All. The. Damn. Time.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.