I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
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Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.