ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
happy friday
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said