I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
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Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌