My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
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Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Selfie
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I had to Stop for this
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.