LOL!
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
goldfish mafia
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.