[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
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Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.