PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
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*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
lost dog
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.