My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Nose
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
inside you are two wolves
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”