Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
sigh
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
my favorite genre of twitter
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.