Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
WTF IS THAT!
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim