Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
#SaturdayBears
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]