How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
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I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Said the murderer.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks