you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
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Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 馃檪
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don鈥檛 get a good grade on our daughter鈥檚 science fair project.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I鈥檓 not making anything else
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 馃様
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
It鈥檚 so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.