Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Me when my alarm goes off