I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?