“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.