In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you