Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I want this so bad
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that