Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
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So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*