What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
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Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Had to try this trend 😊
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????