Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
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this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.