“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
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Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?