imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
You Might Also Like
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Has science gone too far?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential