me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out