that de-escalated quickly
You Might Also Like
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’m not wrong
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess