DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
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Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Selfie
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
😅🤣😂
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing