Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
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Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
You wish you had this many chins.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet