Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
You Might Also Like
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”