why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
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Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Don’t forget to tip your server
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
A short story about romance.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I love you…
…r dog.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?