One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*