I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
You Might Also Like
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.