Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
choose your gary
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.