Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
こいつ天才
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
They’re called werewolves.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.