My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
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I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Friday night party time 🥳
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.