Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
everyone’s a critic
I am patiently waiting for your email
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?