[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.