ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
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Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Travel bloggers during quarantine