Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Had an epiphany today.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.