Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
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[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Noted.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!