Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
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The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Those are good neighbors.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.