Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Can’t. About to go please some beans
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.