You Might Also Like
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Lassie, get help!
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Stop sending me this shit.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station