WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
You Might Also Like
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Wake me when AI does housework
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*