[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
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Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes