American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
A short story of betrayal:
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
How dramatic are you?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Best table by far
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Go hard or stay average
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Well, this explains it:
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I never needed anything more in my life
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”