Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
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Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone