if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
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Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.