I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
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Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
5 ways to appear taller
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Oh the world we live in…
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.