How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
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I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Good point.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.